ellectrical | (no subject)

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When they had returned, Elle had forced her way through the first door she could, if only to, for a moment, get away from Bennet.

Instead, she'd ended up at the Bar. For the first time, she's not entirely sure she wants to be here.

So she'd retreated through the back door, out toward the grounds, making her way to the lawn near the lake. Though it had been the middle of the night in her world, it's very early morning here, sunlight just beginning to brighten the eastern sky. Elle really only pays attention to the extent that she can see well enough to find a spot reasonably apart from the water, where she sits down in the grass, her knees pulled up to her chest.

She's not sparking, but she is, very slightly, shaking.

The stuffed dog sits in the grass a few inches away from her. It had still been in her hand when she walked through the door.

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"It hasn't been very long."

So, 'no.'

X's gaze flickers between Elle's face and her hands, almost as if she is not sure where to look.

Or what to do.

"Okay."

The pressure of her hand lightens, though she still hasn't pulled away.

She also hasn't moved closer.

Yet.

"It's not always bad things."

Elle had said that before. Right at the beginnings.

"It's just - a lot. And I can't -"

'Choosing' still doesn't seem very easy.

"I know," X says carefully.

"But good things are confusing, too. Were. I remember."

And even if the circumstances were different, and still are.

"It is not -- "

Again a pause, looking for the right words.

" -- too much? To be. Now."

Unsure how else to answer - "I don't know how to control it."

"I do not know if other people do, either."

X does not bite her lip.

It takes effort.

"I know I do not."

Not with emotions the way other people tend to experience them, at least.

This may be the only time X wishes she actually could understand.

Elle finally moves away. But it's so that her hands can come down to her side, and she can slowly unravel herself, and move to lie on the ground instead. She's still trembling, but it's less than it was before.

"I know."

Pause.

"I can tell you - one."

If it can't make X understand, maybe she can at least use terms that X comprehends.

"Okay," X says, after a long moment.

Then she shifts so that she's sitting near Elle's hip, arms wrapping tight around her knees.

"It -- "

She hesitates.

"I do not want to make it worse. For you."

"I'm already thinking it."

She doesn't know if saying it out loud could make it worse.

But she doubts X can.

"Okay," X repeats.

Then she falls silent.

And stays that way, this time.

Elle stays silent for a moment, too. But she's looking at X, or at least in her direction.

"I thought I was stupid. Before. When I found out about - my Dad. But I couldn't see - everything."

Her right hand curls around a patch of grass.

"But now I - can't stop. Seeing it. There were these - moments. When I loved him, the way I didn't know before, but I remember these -"

Her hand loosens again, and her index finger taps the ground.

"First I'd start - to be afraid of him -"

She taps again. "Then I stopped trusting him -"

And a third time. "And then I'd just -"

(my girl's tougher than that)

"- give up.

"And then it started again."

X's flinch is a barely perceptible twitch.

"You are not stupid."

"I am glad he is dead. Because of that."

Neither of those things is a lie, especially not right now.

X can guess at the awfulness of that endless cycle, and what the loss of it might mean.

That will never be the same as understanding.

Edited 2012-09-17 04:30 (UTC)

"That's okay."

"I'm okay. If you don't - know. All of it."

It's what she's hoping for, really.

"Okay," X says, very seriously.

It is like a promise.

She brings one hand down to brace herself against the ground, the back of it resting very lightly against Elle's shoulder.

That is like a promise, too.

Carefully, Elle lifts her hand, and moves it back over her shoulder, to touch X's hand.

Sparks snap up on her other hand, but they don't move beyond this.

"Thank you."

X twists her own hand a little, gripping Elle's hand carefully.

It is easier than trying to say any of the things for which X does not have the words.

And 'you're welcome' has no place here.

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