ellectrical | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

It's evening outside, and already growing cool enough that someone venturing out onto the lawns might want to bring a sweater or jacket with them.

Elle has neither, but for once doesn't seem to care. She walks across the grass as aimlessly as she did back in Madripoor, with enough speed to suggest she really wants to break out into a run.

But she can't. She can't make herself do it. So she just walks toward the edge of the lake.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Elle," X says at last, quietly, leaving her hands exactly where they are.

And that is all.

Elle's head tilts down just slightly, but she doesn't move otherwise.

"I - can't just - say it."

"I -- "

X stops, shaking her head just once.

She is terrible at guessing.

"Please."

"I mean -"

Her grip on X's hands tightens.

"- I think about it - all the time. I can't just say it."

"I am not good at talking, either."

Beat.

"It is okay."

Right?

She closes her eyes again, trying to piece the words together in her mind.

"I can't just - say I won't let people hurt me."

Her eyes open again, but stay on the ground.

"I think about it - all the time."

"Not letting them?"

X's grip on Elle's hands tightens now.

"Or that sometimes it is very difficult. To stop them."

Finally, she meets X's eyes again.

"It's hard to know - when I have to."

X hesitates, fingers still tightly twined with Elle's.

"I am allowed to ask why?"

It might help.

There is always a chance.

Her eyes avert again.

"I was wrong before."

She shakes her head very slightly.

"You know - when people lie. But I don't know when I'll be wrong. Again."

"There are other tells," X says at last. "Besides scent."

She does not quite bite her lip, but it's close.

"If that will help."

"Other people know them, too."

And Elle may be accustomed to spending her time with very accomplished liars.

"It's not - as bad as it used to be. But you say it - like you just say it and it will happen like that."

"I am well-trained," X says, a little helplessly.

"I'm not - I don't need you to tell me -"

She doesn't doubt X's certainty. Right now.

"But I want you to know. It's not about training. It's - how you feel."

"Oh."

X falls silent.

She really does not know what to say.

"I'm sorry."

Elle still doesn't let go of X.

"It's just - different."

"I know," X says, very carefully.

"But you know I do not understand."

She is just not quite built for it.

Elle hesitates.

Then, "You have feelings. About other people."

"Yes."

X's response is only a little cautious, as if she wants to make sure that she understands.

And then, to be even more certain --

"You do not mean -- caring."

She's not quite sure the distinction matters.

So she answers, "You've done - different things because of it."

X is not sure, either.

But she is still a little bit at sea.

"Yes."

Beat.

"That is not inaccurate."

"That's what it is."

It's difficult stepping back, when she's already made the leap forward, but she tries anyway.

"You're - different, with them."

X hesitates.

"I do not know how else to talk. To them."

She pauses.

"If I do not try."

Every day is 'learn a new foreign language' day, for X. But it has gotten a little bit easier.

She shakes her head. "I don't want you to not be - different.

"I just - want you to know it's - not easy. To know what you'll do sometimes."

"I do not want to die," X says, after a moment.

"Anymore."

It feels like that might be useful information, given the current context.

But X is not totally sure.