ellectrical | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

When they had returned, Elle had forced her way through the first door she could, if only to, for a moment, get away from Bennet.

Instead, she'd ended up at the Bar. For the first time, she's not entirely sure she wants to be here.

So she'd retreated through the back door, out toward the grounds, making her way to the lawn near the lake. Though it had been the middle of the night in her world, it's very early morning here, sunlight just beginning to brighten the eastern sky. Elle really only pays attention to the extent that she can see well enough to find a spot reasonably apart from the water, where she sits down in the grass, her knees pulled up to her chest.

She's not sparking, but she is, very slightly, shaking.

The stuffed dog sits in the grass a few inches away from her. It had still been in her hand when she walked through the door.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"X..."

She doesn't pull away, and she doesn't spark up. But that's it.

"It's not just about it - hurting."

"I know," X says, after a moment.

"But I do not know if there are better words."

Beat.

"I am sorry."

Elle doesn't look up to her.

Finally, "You were right. About it - being about having a time. Before."

X stays silent.

Her own history has not given her much to go on.

Her present situation is not very helpful, either.

Elle doesn't expect anything different.

But she presses on - "I didn't really remember it like this. Before."

X stays very still.

"I do not know what 'this' is."

This time X does not say that she is sorry.

Very quietly: "I know."

She doesn't say 'I'm sorry,' either.

But: "I don't know if you want me to explain."

"Yes."

X's response is prompt.

"If -- "

She pauses.

"If that is okay."

She can't nod.

"I really -"

Stop. Breathe. A few sparks snap over Elle's shoulder, but not near X's hand.

"- I loved my Dad. I though - I knew what it meant before, but it's -"

It's like a veil has been lifted. Something she'd thought was pale red was a really deep crimson.

"- it's new - and it's different. And I feel it now."

"Oh."

X's voice is quiet.

Her expression is blank.

Her hand stays right where it is.

"I -- "

She cuts off the apology before it even really gets started. Instead --

"It is like that with other things, too? Feeling it. When you did not. Before."

Edited 2012-09-17 01:40 (UTC)

"It's like that with everything.

"It's why I - didn't want to. Sometimes."

X's nod is a tiny thing.

And yet --

"But you want to now?"

Beat.

"Or you have to."

"I can't stop it now."

So maybe it's 'have to.'

X still has not moved.

"You know what you will do?"

Since it is 'have to'.

"It hasn't been very long."

So, 'no.'

X's gaze flickers between Elle's face and her hands, almost as if she is not sure where to look.

Or what to do.

"Okay."

The pressure of her hand lightens, though she still hasn't pulled away.

She also hasn't moved closer.

Yet.

"It's not always bad things."

Elle had said that before. Right at the beginnings.

"It's just - a lot. And I can't -"

'Choosing' still doesn't seem very easy.

"I know," X says carefully.

"But good things are confusing, too. Were. I remember."

And even if the circumstances were different, and still are.

"It is not -- "

Again a pause, looking for the right words.

" -- too much? To be. Now."

Unsure how else to answer - "I don't know how to control it."

"I do not know if other people do, either."

X does not bite her lip.

It takes effort.

"I know I do not."

Not with emotions the way other people tend to experience them, at least.

This may be the only time X wishes she actually could understand.

Elle finally moves away. But it's so that her hands can come down to her side, and she can slowly unravel herself, and move to lie on the ground instead. She's still trembling, but it's less than it was before.

"I know."

Pause.

"I can tell you - one."

If it can't make X understand, maybe she can at least use terms that X comprehends.

"Okay," X says, after a long moment.

Then she shifts so that she's sitting near Elle's hip, arms wrapping tight around her knees.

"It -- "

She hesitates.

"I do not want to make it worse. For you."

"I'm already thinking it."

She doesn't know if saying it out loud could make it worse.

But she doubts X can.

"Okay," X repeats.

Then she falls silent.

And stays that way, this time.

Elle stays silent for a moment, too. But she's looking at X, or at least in her direction.

"I thought I was stupid. Before. When I found out about - my Dad. But I couldn't see - everything."

Her right hand curls around a patch of grass.

"But now I - can't stop. Seeing it. There were these - moments. When I loved him, the way I didn't know before, but I remember these -"

Her hand loosens again, and her index finger taps the ground.

"First I'd start - to be afraid of him -"

She taps again. "Then I stopped trusting him -"

And a third time. "And then I'd just -"

(my girl's tougher than that)

"- give up.

"And then it started again."