ellectrical | (no subject)

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It's evening outside, and already growing cool enough that someone venturing out onto the lawns might want to bring a sweater or jacket with them.

Elle has neither, but for once doesn't seem to care. She walks across the grass as aimlessly as she did back in Madripoor, with enough speed to suggest she really wants to break out into a run.

But she can't. She can't make herself do it. So she just walks toward the edge of the lake.

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I will not let you hurt me.

Up until this moment, Elle never doubted this was true.

Quietly, she repeats, "You don't know."

"It will not matter, then," X says after a while.

"What I want."

Beat.

"I have decided."

Her mission parameters are set. That is what matters.

Now.

Elle closes her eyes again. She turns the words over in her mind, one at a time, because she just doesn't want to say them. Wants any way to get around them. She lowers her hands to her sides, and breathes in, before making herself look back at X.

"You didn't love them. The people at the Facility."

X flinches.

Then, not quite reflexively, she drops into Japanese.

It --

Helps.

"[My sensei. But that is all.]"

Elle still uses English.

"What about her?"

"[No.]"

It does not matter if Elle meant Kimura or Dr. Kinney.

The answer, and the emphatic nature of the reply, remain the same.

"Then you don't know. What it is."

Elle doesn't look away, but her expression seems to set, like the anger from Madripoor is finally beginning to drain out of her.

"When they - use the feelings you have for them. To hurt you."

X flinches again, though this time she does not look away from Elle.

"No, I -- "

That is really all there is to it.

"No. I do not know. Not -- like that."

Elle's eyes stay on her.

Then, finally, she reaches out toward X. It's hesitant and uncertain, but after a long moment, she eventually settles for touching the other woman's wrist.

"I don't want you to."

X twists her hand, reaching out to take Elle's and hold tight.

"I will pay attention. I do not -- "

Other people might not think that is much of an answer.

"[You are more important.]"

Maybe this is.

Elle doesn't let go, but she shakes her head.

"Then don't - don't let anyone -"

X turns to face Elle fully, taking up both her hands and twining their fingers together.

"I will not."

She says it firmly, even as her grip is a little too tight.

"I promise."

She will not let anyone hurt her.

Not anymore.

(And definitely not like that.)

Elle doesn't resist, or try to pull away.

But she can't quite meet X's eyes when she nods, and answers, "All right."

"Elle," X says at last, quietly, leaving her hands exactly where they are.

And that is all.

Elle's head tilts down just slightly, but she doesn't move otherwise.

"I - can't just - say it."

"I -- "

X stops, shaking her head just once.

She is terrible at guessing.

"Please."

"I mean -"

Her grip on X's hands tightens.

"- I think about it - all the time. I can't just say it."

"I am not good at talking, either."

Beat.

"It is okay."

Right?

She closes her eyes again, trying to piece the words together in her mind.

"I can't just - say I won't let people hurt me."

Her eyes open again, but stay on the ground.

"I think about it - all the time."

"Not letting them?"

X's grip on Elle's hands tightens now.

"Or that sometimes it is very difficult. To stop them."

Finally, she meets X's eyes again.

"It's hard to know - when I have to."

X hesitates, fingers still tightly twined with Elle's.

"I am allowed to ask why?"

It might help.

There is always a chance.

Her eyes avert again.

"I was wrong before."

She shakes her head very slightly.

"You know - when people lie. But I don't know when I'll be wrong. Again."

"There are other tells," X says at last. "Besides scent."

She does not quite bite her lip, but it's close.

"If that will help."

"Other people know them, too."

And Elle may be accustomed to spending her time with very accomplished liars.

"It's not - as bad as it used to be. But you say it - like you just say it and it will happen like that."