ellectrical | (no subject)

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When they had returned, Elle had forced her way through the first door she could, if only to, for a moment, get away from Bennet.

Instead, she'd ended up at the Bar. For the first time, she's not entirely sure she wants to be here.

So she'd retreated through the back door, out toward the grounds, making her way to the lawn near the lake. Though it had been the middle of the night in her world, it's very early morning here, sunlight just beginning to brighten the eastern sky. Elle really only pays attention to the extent that she can see well enough to find a spot reasonably apart from the water, where she sits down in the grass, her knees pulled up to her chest.

She's not sparking, but she is, very slightly, shaking.

The stuffed dog sits in the grass a few inches away from her. It had still been in her hand when she walked through the door.

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"Yes.

"He was - really powerful. He could've done anything."

"He is dead now?"

If not, X is willing to help with that.

"Yes."

Her grip is starting to look painful.

"But I - couldn't let him know it. What I was thinking."

"It was effective."

Considering Elle is still alive, it would have to have been.

X shifts position a little, though she is still not close enough to touch Elle.

Not quite.

"But it is difficult to stop?"

"It was - difficult."

Now it feels like a thread that's gotten away from her.

"And I didn't want to."

X just absorbs that.

Silently.

"You want to now?"

"I just - can't -"

She breathes in very quickly, as though just resurfaces from a dive underwater.

"I can't - do it like I did before."

"You cannot not think? About -- "

X pauses, searching out what she thinks she means to say.

" -- what you remember? Now."

She loosens, just a little.

"Yes."

X takes this moment to reach out, very carefully, and rest her hand on top of Elle's.

If Elle will allow it.

"It hurts? To -- know."

"X..."

She doesn't pull away, and she doesn't spark up. But that's it.

"It's not just about it - hurting."

"I know," X says, after a moment.

"But I do not know if there are better words."

Beat.

"I am sorry."

Elle doesn't look up to her.

Finally, "You were right. About it - being about having a time. Before."

X stays silent.

Her own history has not given her much to go on.

Her present situation is not very helpful, either.

Elle doesn't expect anything different.

But she presses on - "I didn't really remember it like this. Before."

X stays very still.

"I do not know what 'this' is."

This time X does not say that she is sorry.

Very quietly: "I know."

She doesn't say 'I'm sorry,' either.

But: "I don't know if you want me to explain."

"Yes."

X's response is prompt.

"If -- "

She pauses.

"If that is okay."

She can't nod.

"I really -"

Stop. Breathe. A few sparks snap over Elle's shoulder, but not near X's hand.

"- I loved my Dad. I though - I knew what it meant before, but it's -"

It's like a veil has been lifted. Something she'd thought was pale red was a really deep crimson.

"- it's new - and it's different. And I feel it now."

"Oh."

X's voice is quiet.

Her expression is blank.

Her hand stays right where it is.

"I -- "

She cuts off the apology before it even really gets started. Instead --

"It is like that with other things, too? Feeling it. When you did not. Before."

Edited 2012-09-17 01:40 (UTC)

"It's like that with everything.

"It's why I - didn't want to. Sometimes."

X's nod is a tiny thing.

And yet --

"But you want to now?"

Beat.

"Or you have to."

"I can't stop it now."

So maybe it's 'have to.'

X still has not moved.

"You know what you will do?"

Since it is 'have to'.

"It hasn't been very long."

So, 'no.'